Kenny Kunene says the best way to fight crime is to team up with criminals. The sushi king, now crime consultant, reveals why priests don’t cut it and why ex-cons need better PR.
In a country where fighting crime feels like screaming during loadshedding, Kenny Kunene has found a new solution: work with the criminals… to end crime.
Yes, you read that right.
The Joburg nightlife king and former transport MMC was reportedly seen at the home of a murder suspect during a police raid. But instead of ducking allegations, Kunene leaned into the chaos with gold-rimmed glasses and a straight face.
“If you want to catch a thief, you don’t call a priest — you call another thief with better PR,” he told journalists.
He called it his “undercover social rehabilitation tour.” Others are calling it a plot twist that even Generations: The Legacy wouldn’t buy.
Kunene says he’s doing “motivational slicing” now — no longer sushi for influencers, but metaphors for ex-cons who want to rebrand.
One of his actual goals?
“If I can turn one gangster into a Grab driver, I’ve done my job.”
The irony is spicier than his tuna roll.
Gayton McKenzie, his political comrade who temporarily suspended him, painted a poetic picture of Kunene’s mission:
“Kenny is like a bouncer at the gates of hell. He’s not lost — he’s working the door.”
The DA wasn’t impressed. They called his defense “laughable,” saying it sounds like something from a rejected SABC script. But Kunene doesn’t flinch. He says he’s not there for claps — he’s there for “vibes and solutions.”
His next initiative?
Criminals Against Crime.
An actual mentorship program where ex-cons guide current ones — not on how to stop crime, but how to “do better crimes or none at all… depending on the vibes.”
The City of Johannesburg has refused to comment — word is, they’ve stopped answering his calls altogether.
If you thought this country couldn’t surprise you anymore… Kenny Kunene just asked the pigeons for advice.
Read also:
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Traffic Cops Now Smash Windows If You Don’t Have Airtime or Snacks
What’s your take on Kunene’s “Criminals Against Crime” idea? Would you trust an ex-con to reform current ones? Or is this just another PR sushi roll?
Comment Below or Vote in Our Poll:
🗳️ Should Kenny Kunene be allowed to “rehabilitate” criminals?
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Yes, he speaks their language
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No, this is a joke
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I just want the sushi back
DISCLAIMER: This post is satire. Any resemblance to actual government logic is purely accidental and possibly concerning.
~BILLY JAYDEN LOUIS
Sources:
NewsVine.co.za
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