Relationships
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By Judy Kingston
The Psychology of Why People Stay in Unhappy Marriages
A Silent Dinner Table
The candles on the dining table flicker softly, but no warmth fills the room. A husband and wife sit across from each other, silent, their plates untouched. They share a home, finances, even children—but not joy. The atmosphere is heavy, yet neither makes a move to leave.
This scene is not unique. Across the globe, countless couples remain bound in marriages that no longer bring happiness. Some stay because of children, some for finances, some because of faith, and others because of fear. The question is universal, cutting across cultures and continents: Why do people stay in unhappy marriages?
1. The Cultural Weight of Marriage
Marriage has always carried weight beyond personal happiness. In many societies, it is treated as a sacred vow, not a contract of convenience.
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In South Asia, divorce still carries stigma, particularly for women. Families often pressure couples to "work things out" even when love has long died.
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In Western countries, while divorce rates are high, societal expectations—especially in religious or conservative circles—still push couples to "make it work."
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In African communities, extended families play a role. Marriage is seen as uniting not just two individuals but two families, making separation complex.
Why Cultural Expectations Still Shape Modern Marriages
Even in modern times, where individuality is prized, the echoes of culture whisper: Leaving means failure. This powerful conditioning often traps people in relationships that no longer serve their emotional well-being.
2. The Children Dilemma: “We Stayed for Them”
Ask any couple why they stayed despite the unhappiness, and you’ll hear one phrase repeatedly: “Because of the children.”
Parents often sacrifice their own happiness to maintain stability for their children. The reasoning is clear:
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Divorce could disrupt the child’s emotional development.
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A single-parent household might mean financial strain.
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Shared custody could weaken parental bonds.
But here’s the paradox: studies show children raised in high-conflict marriages often suffer just as much—if not more—than those whose parents separate. Constant arguments, cold silences, and toxic atmospheres can affect a child’s long-term view of love and relationships.
The Impact of Toxic Marriages on Children
One father admitted in a recent interview: “I knew my kids saw us fighting all the time. I thought staying was better, but years later, my son told me he never wanted to marry because he was scared it would look like ours.”
3. Financial Security: The Golden Chain
Marriage is not just emotional—it’s economic. In many partnerships, finances bind more tightly than love.
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Shared assets: Houses, cars, investments make splitting difficult.
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Unequal income: One spouse may rely entirely on the other for financial stability.
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Fear of lifestyle loss: Divorce can mean downsizing, losing comforts, or starting over.
A 2023 Pew Research report found that 62% of couples cited financial instability as a reason for staying together, even when unhappy.
This is especially true for women who stepped away from careers to raise children. For them, leaving isn’t just about losing a partner—it’s about losing economic independence.
Why Money Keeps People in Relationships
Money, in many ways, becomes the golden chain that looks valuable but feels heavy.
4. Religious Convictions: “Till Death Do Us Part”
Religion shapes marriage deeply. In Christianity, Catholicism, Islam, Hinduism, and other faiths, marriage is often considered sacred, ordained by God, and unbreakable.
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In Catholic tradition, divorce is discouraged, and annulments are difficult to obtain.
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In Islamic teachings, divorce is permitted but seen as the last resort.
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In Hinduism, the concept of “karmic bond” suggests marriages are predestined and eternal.
A woman in Johannesburg explained: “My pastor said marriage is a covenant before God. If I leave, I am sinning. I pray every day for a miracle, even though my heart is breaking.”
For many, faith provides strength. But it can also serve as a reason people remain trapped, hoping divine intervention will repair what is irreparably broken.
5. Fear of Loneliness
Perhaps the most primal reason people stay in unhappy marriages is fear—not of their spouse, but of being alone.
Loneliness is one of the most feared human conditions. Many ask themselves:
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What if I never find love again?
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What if no one wants me at my age?
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What if I’m happier with someone than alone?
Research in psychology shows that fear of loneliness is a stronger motivator than pursuit of happiness. People would rather endure pain with someone than face silence alone.
The Science of Loneliness
This emotional bargaining often leads to decades spent in quiet misery, simply because the unknown feels scarier than the known pain.
6. Psychological Traps: Hope, Habit, and Denial
Relationships are not static—they evolve. Many unhappy marriages started happy. Couples often cling to the hope that happiness can return.
Psychologists identify three psychological traps that keep couples stuck:
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The Sunk Cost Fallacy: “We’ve been together 15 years. I can’t throw that away.”
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Habit and Routine: Familiarity, even when painful, feels safer than change.
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Denial: Convincing oneself that things aren’t “that bad.”
One therapist noted: “Many couples convince themselves their unhappiness is temporary. They underestimate how long they’ve already been in pain.”
7. The Social Media Effect
Interestingly, social media both exposes and hides unhappy marriages.
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On Instagram and TikTok, couples present curated happiness—smiles, vacations, anniversary posts.
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Behind closed doors, silence or hostility rules.
This double life creates pressure to maintain the illusion. Divorce would “ruin the story.”
In viral debates, like the claim that “80% of men don’t marry the women they love, but the ones who can hold them down,” conversations reveal that many marriages are born not of romance but of practicality.
Do Men and Women Settle in Marriage?
The Internet gives couples a mirror. Sometimes they like the reflection, sometimes it forces them to stay in denial.
8. Case Studies: Real Voices
Case Study 1: The Corporate Wife
“I married him because he was stable, not because I was in love. Now, years later, I envy women who married for passion. But I can’t leave. I built my life on this foundation.”
Case Study 2: The Religious Husband
“My wife and I haven’t been happy in a decade. But my faith says I must stay. Divorce feels like I’d be breaking God’s heart.”
Case Study 3: The Silent Agreement
“We don’t fight. We don’t laugh either. We just coexist. Our kids think we’re fine. Maybe that’s enough.”
9. The Cost of Staying vs. The Cost of Leaving
Ultimately, unhappy marriages force people into a complex calculation:
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Staying means sacrificing personal happiness but maintaining stability.
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Leaving means risking loneliness, financial loss, and social stigma—but gaining freedom.
Both choices come with costs. And for many, the scales never tip strongly enough to justify walking away.
10. Can Therapy Help?
Counseling and therapy offer a lifeline. Marriages in crisis can sometimes recover if both partners commit. But therapy also provides clarity—helping couples realize when it’s truly over.
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Couples Therapy: Works if both want to try.
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Individual Therapy: Helps one partner find strength, even if the marriage cannot be saved.
Yet access to therapy is limited in many regions due to stigma, cost, or lack of professionals.
11. Conclusion: Redefining Success in Marriage
Perhaps the root of this global issue lies in how we define success in marriage. Is success measured by longevity, or by happiness? By appearances, or by inner peace?
The psychology of why people stay in unhappy marriages is layered: love, fear, money, children, faith, and culture intertwine. No single answer fits every couple.
What is certain is this: marriages that survive without joy raise pressing questions about society’s expectations. Maybe the future of marriage is not about endurance at any cost, but about honesty, choice, and emotional well-being.
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Short Bio – Judy Kingston
Judy Kingston is a highly regarded psychologist and relationship expert based in the United States, with over seven years of experience helping individuals and couples build healthier, lasting connections. Drawing from her background in psychology, Judy specializes in guiding people through challenges such as communication breakdowns, trust issues, and emotional resilience. Her compassionate yet practical approach has made her a sought-after voice in the field of relationships. Whether in one-on-one sessions, workshops, or media appearances, Judy is dedicated to empowering others with the tools they need to create meaningful and fulfilling partnerships.
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